Back when I was in college, I drove a 1995 Saturn. It was hunter green, drove like shit in the snow (which was plentiful in New England), and it went from 0-60 in about four minutes. I was able to tote around drunk friends as the ‘DD’. I was also able to drive to Blockbuster Video (my place of employment) to rent movies to couples that would inevitably watch two minutes of said movie, hook up, forget about the movie, return it late, and try bitching me out for a ‘credit’ (those f’ers!). I also got around the BEST DAMN COLLEGE TOWN IN THE NATION!! (Go UMass!)
While the Saturn had it’s own soul, it also had its own smell. It was a mix of air freshener, old buffalo chicken pizza, cheap cologne, and sweat. Boom! There you go! It wasn’t the ‘best’ of smells, but it was the Saturn’s smell. It was the aggregation of every single human that rode/drove it, plus any edible/non-edible item that made it into the vehicle.
For those of you that have kids, your vehicle has undoubtedly acquired it’s own smell. Gone are the days of fun-and-fancy-free odors. Now, it’s all about the kids and the stressed out parents, and the smells that go along with it.
The definition for the word ‘odoriferous’ has two meanings. The first meaning (according to Merriam-Webster) is ‘yielding an odor’. The minivan certainly does that. The second is ‘morally offensive’. Well, the odor is morally offensive to any nasal passage, so I’m going to say that the minivan ‘checks the box’ there as well.
What could the smell possibly be?! Lucky for you, I’ve compiled a list of things that it could possibly be, for I believe that it is completely within the realm of possibility that these things currently exist within our vehicle, but I have yet to find the time (and in some cases, the capability) to remove these potential items… if they exist….
- Petrified Cheerios – When ‘DADDY, I WANNA SNACK!’ becomes ‘SHIT, HE SPILLED THEM ALL OVER THE PLACE!’
- Moldy Chicken Nugget – You know, the one that’s between the front seat and the ‘storage-middle -part-whatever-the-F-it-is’ thing.
- Dirty (#1) diaper – OK parents, confess! You definitely have one of the ‘pee pee’ diapers floating around in one of the compartments SOMEWHERE in the vehicle! Don’t. Lie. To. Me. If you have a dirty #2 diaper in your vehicle, well THAT’S JUST GROSS!!
- Febreze – The inventor of Febreze has invested all of his/her profits in an offshore hedge fund, and has some private holdings stashed in Monaco. However, us (as sheep) continue to buy the ‘scented water’ and spray the crap out of everything. It smells nice for about 45 minutes, and then the ‘niceness’ fades, and you are spritzing the hell out of everything again. Then, you need a new bottle, and the inventor laughs his/her nuts/boobs off as you continue to fund his/her yacht club.
- Tree Air Freshener – Not only have you febrezed the hell out of your vehicle, but you’ve bought a three pack (or a ‘tree’ pack.. nyuk nyuk!) of those tree air fresheners. The package says to cut a little opening on the package and hang it from your mirror. WHO THE HELL HANGS A FRESHENER WITH THE PLASTIC STILL ON IT FROM THEIR MIRROR?!?!?!?!?! So, you open the whole thing. The overwhelming scent/’high’ causes your eyeball to twitch and a splitting headache, but it sure smells like ‘new car’ all over again!!
- Curdled Milk/Formula In Sippy Cup/Bottle- Need I say more?!
- Old Coffee – Kids = Parents + Coffee = No time to clean out the Starbucks in the cup holder! It’ll smell slightly sour, but with a hint of caramel…. mmm… Starbucks!
- Old Snot – Kids are sick often. They produce snot. If old snot has a smell, it is definitely in the car somewhere.
- Cherry Lollipop – I smell it… but I don’t see it…. where the hell did my kid stick this thing?! (sigh)
So, parents and friends… what am I missing? Comment and let me know!