Unless you’ve been living in some sort of parental bubble over the past ‘x’ number of years where ‘x’ equals the number of years you’ve been a parent, you’ve come to the realization that parenting can be stressful.
‘No shit’, you say…
Anyhow, after being a father a tad north of 4.5 years, I learned something about myself…
I sigh…. and I sigh a lot…
I hadn’t picked up on this fact before… probably because… well… I haven’t had a coherent thought in just north of 4.5 years. But, just the other day, I think I sighed five times in twelve seconds….
Anyway, I thought about all of the times as a parent that made me sigh. I even thought back to times BEFORE I was a parent that made me sigh, but for totally different reasons….
… then I thought… shit… when was the last time I sighed other than for some sort of parental ‘de-stress’ event?…
…. just north of 4.5 years… YOU GOT IT!
So, I thought about all of the reasons why parents sigh, along with some pre-parenthood sighs. You’ll pick up the differences right away:
The ‘Wow, what a beautiful sunset!’ Sigh – these make up every pre-parenthood sigh that you can have. It’s before you are neck-deep in parental responsibility, and elbow-deep in a diaper fully loaded with excrement. It’s the sigh that things can’t possibly get better than this…… and you are probably right!
Ok… now that we’ve gotten that shit out of the way, we should move on to the good stuff:
The ‘What the f*&$ just came out of my kid’s ass?!’ Sigh – This is more like a ‘whoa wtf….?!’ mumble while your kids legs are high overhead while you are eyeballing the nearest economy size package of wipes and wondering how in the hell you are going to clean it up without using the whole package. This really isn’t a ‘stressful’ sigh, but more of a ‘let’s do this!’. If things get out of hand, though, it turns into a…..
Son-of-a-bitch!! Sigh – Depending on how bad the situation gets with the diaper… and your mood… this is either a playful ‘Oops! Haha!… grunt.. mutter’ type of sigh, or a tight-lipped, angry-as-all-hell and relatively audible ‘suhhhh efffff a BTTTTTTTCHHHH’… followed by grunting and perhaps a ‘dmmmmit!’. You know what I’m talking about. Don’t even try to get out of it.
The Repeated Question Sigh – This is when you sigh after your kid asks the same damn question 27 times in a row. Right before the 28th time, you sigh. You might even try to answer the question with some ridiculous BS just to prevent your kid from reaching a world record.
The ‘How The F*&^ Am I Supposed To Answer THAT?!?!’ Sigh - This sigh precedes the answer to a question that your child asks which SHOULD BE easy to answer (or, COMPLETELY EFFING IMPOSSIBLE to answer), but you’ve never, EVER thought about how to explain it to your kid. It’s usually a deep, ‘heaven help me’ sort of sigh.
Why is water wet?
Does the man in the ocean ever turn the ocean off?
Is that airplane going to be back tomorrow?
What’s under the ground over there?
The ‘You’ve GOT to be SHITTING me!!!’ Sigh - This is more of a growl than a sigh. It normally happens when just about every piece of turd has hit the fan from a parental standpoint, and then, when you’ve thought that the fecal onslaught has ended, a blimp full of poop drops on top of your head. This would normally happen when, say, you are on your way to a doctor’s appointment, didn’t bring a diaper bag, the kids are pissed, and BOOM! Flat tire. <insert ‘You’ve GOT to be SHITTING me!!!’ Sigh here>
The ‘I FINALLY got a BREAK!!!’ Sigh – These are few and far between, but it’s when everybody has left the freaking house. The sigh as soon as the door shuts is the ‘I FINALLY got a BREAK!!!’ Sigh. This is usually right before the…..
GOOD GOD I HAVE A BREAK NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MYSELF?!?!?! Sigh - When you don’t get a lot of free time, you don’t know what to do with yourself. It’s more shortness of breath and anxiety more than anything else… hell, I don’t even think it’s a sigh…. more like a panic attack…
The ‘How In The Blue F*&$ Are We Going To Pay For THAT?!?!?!’ Sigh – This happens when either 1) Your kid needs one or many medical procedures of which the inept secretary codes the damn procedure as breast and ass reconstruction (this is normally fixable, and a false alarm), or 2) When your kid breaks something spectacular. Depending on the scenario, tears may or may not accompany said sigh. If the ‘damage’ is REALLY bad, upon exhale, you’ll start weeping uncontrollably. It’ll be one big inhale, followed by stuttered exhales (which, yes, is you crying).
The ‘You really want me to fix this right now?’ Sigh – Normally, this occurs when your kid walks over to you and say ‘this broke’ when you know damn well your kid broke it, and now it’s up to you to fix it. Many times, the broken item is in WAY many more pieces than you even thought existed. The sigh happens when either 1) you realize that this gadget is screwed, and you write off the loss, or 2) you realize that you absolutely need to fix this thing, and it’s going to take a weekend to fix. Both suck.
What sighs am I missing here?