If you’ve haven’t heard already, Monopoly has decided to ramp up their marketing efforts by ‘laying off’ one of their iconic game board pieces. In turn, they are relying on the public to vote for a new piece. Of course, this is in the hopes that folks will run out and buy a current Monopoly board just to get the piece that will eventually be retired as ‘shittiest piece’. However, I’d like to make a few recommendations of my own regarding new piece ideas, as well as a few other recommendations for the iconic game…

New piece recommendations:

1) Xanax bottle – Nothing screams ‘this century’ than antidepressants. You could have the little gold pill bottle rattle around with little pretend Xanax pills, and push the pills to the various locations around the board. One rule variation would be if you were using the Xanax bottle and land on an opponent’s property, you could roll again; if you hit 7, then you pay rent with imaginary Xanax (don’t pay any $ rent), doubles = landlord rats you out = Jail, any other number = pay rent. It’s freaking genius, and you know it.

2) Assault rifle – Sadly, many people feel as if our government is going to oppress us to the point that some sort of ‘new revolution’ will take place, and said people feel the need to keep a cache of assault rifles at their disposal. Given the fact that new laws haven’t been passed banning the sale of assault rifles as of yet, I recommend bringing in an AR-15 into the mix (no, not a real one… as a game board piece… geez). If you were using the AR-15, you wouldn’t pay rent; you’d just march around the board, collecting ‘Go!’ money from all of the ‘sheep’. However, if you land on Income Tax, the government unleashes hellfire on your ass in the form of superior logistics and advanced weaponry = game over, ‘sheep win’.

3) An actual iron – Screw the Monopoly piece iron. I want a real iron. If I roll a ’1′, then I move to Free Parking. If I roll another ’1′, I’m back to ‘Go!’. Other players would just bump into it. I’m not sure how to incorporate a rule into this one, but just imagining an actual iron with a retractable cord on the Monopoly board makes me laugh my ass off.

4) A plastic steaming pile of crap – The plastic steaming pile of crap would be in addition to the house and hotel option. Essentially, you should be able to buy steaming piles of crap to put on the opposing person’s properties. This would, in turn, diminish the amount of rent owed if someone landed on the property with the steaming pile of crap. In order to remove the steaming piles of crap, the landlord would have to land on their own property. If one receives four steaming piles of crap on any one property, the property goes back to the bank due to the homeowner’s association and board of directors lack of site management….

Rule Recommendations

* The banker should be able to loan money for the purchase of property in amounts that are mathematically impossible to pay back.Then, the bank should bundle these properties into some sort of Monopoly Backed Security of which they bet against. Once the bank tanks, they tax the piss out of all of the players as a way of bailing itself out. The players have the option to foreclose on the properties that they couldn’t pay back, and get a huge break from the bank if they do so. Or, they can continue to charge a measly amount of rent which would go directly back to the bank as a part of their mortgage. Player’s choice.

*  Free Parking is bullshit. There is no such thing. People should pay the average monthly rate of New York City parking when they land on that square.

* Players need some sort of job instead of the ‘Go!’ square. When a player lands on another player’s property, they should be able to … I don’t know… dust off the square for money or something. Otherwise, ‘Go!’ is a handout. I know, I know… there a lot of folks driving around in circles, landing on various properties looking for handouts nowadays, but it’s time to get with the program here…

Does anyone else have any recommendations for Monopoly?